Drink Skittlebrau

This semi-fine flavored citrus win was chosen because it was cheaper than a nickel ho with, had a mail in rebate and because the name blended with Skittles in a rainbow of fruit harmony. Since we’ve never conclusively found any malted beverage willing to blend favorably with Skittles, we chose a mix phonetically. As in Skrawberry Hill…catchy, no?

During preparation there were encouraging signs from the test group, who already found Skittles yummy, as well as thought Boones Farm made a pretty colored wine.

Upon induction there was very little reaction, though it was “still pretty”. At two minutes the minimal reaction had crescendo’d into a fruity fortified Alka-Seltzer.

Round One

Red & yellow was uneventful. Taste could best be described as dental strawberry yuck. Maybe even dollar store mouthwash. It’s sweet though, I’ll give it that.

Orange & yellow didn’t smell as savory and packed a bit more pucker. It tasted like a cross between a candy necklace and generic fortified wine, which technically it kind of is, right on down to the pebbles of sucrose snaking around the bottom of the glass.

Purple & Green is visually the least appealing, having a muddy brown tinge. Makes sense though, the combinations were chosen at random, not in consideration of how they’d look together. The most peculiar thing was observed though, a floating disemskittled S… No trickery here folks, the floaties we’ve been documenting all along have finally been identified as the remnants of the logo. The taste was fortunately between mediocre-bad and mildly offensive. Certainly better than some of the mixes I’ was subjected to in college… take that as you may.

Round Two

Red & yellow. First part tastes just like before, all dental and artificial. Penultimate sip really helped me taste the rainbow of fruit flavor. The ultimate sip, however, made me feverishly erupt into Gaelic, a language I do not speak.

Orange & yellow was also about unchanged. Though this time the final swig was like the waning drops of a Kool-Aid jug that’s been super saturated with sugar by an over ambitious hyperactive pre-teen. Mmmm, the sweet overpower over pure cane heaven.

Purple & green probably should have made a left in Albuquerque. Steeping has not been kind. What once was okay has now become purple tainted brand-x cough syrup. The purple is really overpowering the mix, but the fortified wine is still kicking and screaming.

Bonus round

In what was predicted to be a vain attempt to scientifically dispose of the last six ounces of wine, we mixed two of each color Skittle into a glass and poured it on. The taste was offensive but remarkably didn’t linger terribly, once it was actually swallowed. The sugar coating, it seemed, was successful at coating the tongue sufficiently to act as a barrier. Further sampling revealed the barrier broke down and the mixture had picked up some pretty serious linger. Still wasn’t as uncomfortable as some its bastard cousins, but it still wasn’t anything I’d recommend.

Summary

Although some may call the resulting beverages agony in consumption, the experiment was by no means a complete failure. It was not believed that we’d be able to succeed in devaluing $1.99, but we alarmingly did it. Aside from morbid curiosity, the real dollar value of 750ml of Skrawberry Hill is estimated between ?48¢ and 78¢… Canadian. If it can be said that one cannot truly live until they’ve experienced Skrawberry Hill, then most should be relieved to not live, because anyone drinking this will know with certainty that they are, indeed, alive. Death is a single event. There’s just no way it could linger like this.